Red Bits- An E-Chapbook
1Mother says to watch for the red bits that come out. So I collect them in an old envelope with tape pressed around the edges. It smells a bit like uterine tissue and blood. Which it is. I watch to see if liquid makes the bottom wet. I have promised myself that if any of it falls out, I will eat what it is left.
2
Once upon a time, she said: there was a wolf that wanted to eat you. So it followed you into the kitchen and then into the bath. When it saw your nudity,
it cowered and ate its own tail. I do not like this story. I push metal plates into my skin.
3
I hear him howling outside. The wolf. Howl, howl, howl. Aaaarooooo, he shrieks to get my attention. I close the blinds. His tail hits the glass. He promises to join me in bed but I am fearful. Of his fur and his penis. Of the red bits that cling to his abdomen and look so much like the remains of another little girl.
4
I only wear red. Because it brings the wolf closer. Because that was the color mother bestowed upon me from an early age. Sometimes a woman must be a sacrifice, she said into my ear during my christening. I didn't understand then. I couldn't see the wolf wearing the priest's robes. When he rubbed his fur against me, I thought it was comforting. I didn't know what any of it meant.
5
The wolf pulls open my bodice. Or because I am more modest, my bra. He claws at my breasts. This is all very erotic but I still feel wrong. Can you be a man, I ask him, afraid of sinning. He shaves until his genitals are raw.
6
After he leaves me, I smear the red hymen bits on the walls so he can come back. The smell makes him chase his own tail. He licks his abdomen. Finally, he sneaks out of the closet and kisses my feet. I will love you again, he says and I beat him on the scapula with a hammer. I've forsaken my knife, I say and hit again.
7
Mother never said the wolf would vibrate when he was ready. I though the act would be a steady thing. But it is not. It hums and buzzes and becomes electrical. I am ready for it all. I squeeze the red bits into my hands until the palms are sticky.
8
To feed me, the wolf leaves packages of raw meat on the counter. My sexuality is a starving mess. I eat what I can open. Bloody or not. Belonging to the grandmother or a friend. As long as it can get in my stomach. Whatever helps me pretend to be a wolf.
9
I say more things than I mean to. Like a candlestick. How it falls over and ignites everything. That was my favorite story as a child. How the children were so scared, they looked beneath the beds and found the man who was actually a wolf disguised as a man. And in their fear, their knocked over the candle and it touched against the curtains, which were tainted with a brush of kerosene for color. They all died. Innocent or not. Wolf or little red bit.
10
Mother tells me to place the little red bits beneath my pillow. For protection, she says, crawling into the walls. What she means to say is this: if you want the wolf to remain with you, keep the bloody stench strong. So rub it on your body and hide it in everything you use. He will keep coming, thinking there is a meal. Then you will show him the womanliness and he will wag his tail and feed you. And he does. Because I promise him the red bits and he wants them so much.
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