Legend #1:Â The Co-Dependent Ranger
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One of those "on a quest for justice with an ill-defined conclusion" types, the Ranger was first sighted in New Mexico in 1883. His sidekick at the time was Troutslappy McPeterwhite, but their partnership would soon come to an end. In the following six years, the Co-Dependent Ranger would go through over 73½ more partners.
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They would range from the humorously obese (Walrus McJollyrolls) to the lovably drunk (Eel McShittybomb) to the slightly uncomfortable-making (Iguana MacJohnsonphallus). A strange unifying factor among the Ranger's sidekicks: their names. Why did the Co-Dependent Ranger insist on having Scottish sidekicks? "(incoherent statement while gargling)", says Doctor Squidface McSupplethumbs, Professor of Cowboy Studies at the University of Oslo. He goes on to say "(incoherent statement, maybe a Mer-Man impression)." And given the evidence, it certainly seems a possibility. But the world will never know, as the Co-Dependent Ranger made his last appearance in 1889, with then-sidekick Monitor Lizard McStretchingit. He then faded away, to the Land of Ill-Defined Conclusions, with other figures such as Godzilla, Dr. Richard Kimble from THE FUGITIVE, and the first Jesus.
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Legend #2:Â Sacajacumseh
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A classic case of a man born ahead of his time. Misunderstood and shunned by his contemporaries, most historians now agree that Sacajacumseh was in fact the first B-Boy active in the Western Hemisphere, a full century before the invention of hip-hop. Despite the lack of recognition in his own era, Sacajacumseh contributed much to the development of both the Old West and the Old School. And he did all this while having one of the faggiest names in Indian history.
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Born in 1851 in a land they hadn't come up with a name for because no one had ever tried to take it, Sacajacumseh met hardship early in life, and it kicked him square in the junk. After losing both his parents at a bead-blanket-and-cholera swap meet, he was taken in by his uncle, Twitchy Bison, a medicine man whose unorthodox practices had cost him his license to dance. Under Twitchy Bison's tutelage, Sacajacumseh gained a firm spiritual foundation, with an emphasis placed on the world's connection to the five elements. Each of these elements would be a focus for Sacajacumseh in time, beginning in his teenage years with graffiti art. Taking the trail name "LilSac5", his distinctive and colorful tags could be seen on the sides of teepees and buffalo throughout the Dakotas.
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While enduring a sweat lodge, "LilSac" met his spirit totems, which he called "a Crew of Rocks that are Steady". Later on, following the guidance of this "RockSteady Crew", he was exiled from his tribe for popping and locking during the rites of manhood. He spent his remaining years as a nomad, roaming the open range, foraging for berries and "dope beats", as he would say, to the confusion of everything around him. Legend has it Sacajacumseh was killed in a freestyle battle on the streets of San Francisco by a Shaolin monk known only as the Ol' Dirty Great-Grandfather.
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To be continued,
JG
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