The Red Queen Fights MenopauseThe Red Queen feels her fertility factory shutting down. Cards get lost. Soldiers lose their swords. The Red Queen runs out of paint for her roses. Repeatedly, she hangs her head over the flamingos' garden and lets the awkwardly formed legs fan her dripping forehead. After washing her hands, the Red Queen brushes aside the curtains covering her ribcage. She moves the chess pieces around, claiming all the knights and pawns, the queen, and then the king. You
will not take my womb, she decrees but that sad sac of life hangs too low to be supported any longer by ovaries unwilling to take up the job. The Red Queen throttles her fallopian tubes. Alice skips past, semi-naked with the Red King chasing after. His penis stands erect.The Red Queen turns and seizes her
husband. What are you doing, she shouts and shows him the suffocating eggs. They brown and fall. They fry before reaching the ground. The Red King stands still but allows his eyes to dart back towards Alice, who is doing cartwheels down the hallway in nothing but a thong and opaque pasties. I must get back to the girl, darling, the Red King says and leaps away on a pogo stick. The Red Queen lies down. Her fallopian tubes curl out of her, crawl into the nearest vase. The ovaries pour water. Everything waits for the womb to shuffle out of place and settle down. Why have you forsaken me, the Red Queen asks and her sexual parts stare. We have a limited timespan, they say. Your vagina will eventually get too dry, the uterine walls too thin and hard. Rocks cannot give birth and you are well on your way, milady. The queen falls onto her back. Alice prances past the bedroom door again and again, always in various stages of undress. Her tubes push out past her stomach and wave to the queen. They will leave you soon enough, the Red Queen shouts after her. And they'll take my husband with them. He can't do a thing without his pills. Rolling over, she takes the blue mushroom-shaped pills from his bottom dresser drawer and eats them. If she cannot have a womb, she will pretend to have phallic things between her legs.
Alice and the Mad Hatter
His semen is premium leaded, mercury-poison orange with green tails that shed whenever hitting some form of uterine wall. Of course she gets annoyed. After having sex with him, Alice stays up all night listening to the constant hammering of his sperm against her cervix. They have iron bullet-heads. They can only travel in straight lines. At annual fertility tests mandated by the Red Queen, the Hatter must masturbate into a foot-high mason jar while looking at nude photographs of the royal flush. The end result is something that looks like a splash of orange juice but has the consistency of warmed jelly. The queen stirs the ejaculate into her morning coffee and sighs. Half the vial is shared with Alice. She stays up for several months, laying eggs into a basket over the toilet bowl and rubbing the shells with the Hatter's cells. Some eggs sprout what could be a leg or an arm but the rest simply shake once and roll over, dead. Alice keeps the barely formed creatures in a transparent basket. Instead of their heads (because she does not know what constitutes a head on creatures so ill-formed) she kisses their centers. During arguments with the Hatter, when he waves his radioactive genitalia around in an effort to prove his masculinity, she shows him their children. This is all you can make, she says and he throws the basket's contents into a pan with mushrooms bought straight from the caterpillar's mouth.
Snow White Eats Hysterectomy Apples
Hysterectomy apples grow on trees outside the caterpillar's garden. The Hatter waters the garden with his mercury seed and skips away for teatime. He steeps the fruity wombs in a kettle of chamomile. The Red Queen pulls the trees' roots up. She looks for the mirror buried beneath. Who is redder than I, she asks and the mirror rakes its hands down the sides of its reflective surface. The Snow White girl. She is so much fairer, the mirror says and shatters into one thousand triangular pieces. The glass shards sink into the grass. Mirror bushes sprout in a day's time. The branches bud small red figures. They whisper to the miniature mirror blossoms, who is redder than I? who is redder than I? The Red Queen finds the Snow White girl sitting at the Hatter's table. She pulls her away by her hair. Have an apple, my dear, the Red Queen says and produces a hysterectomy apple. Oh no. I am quite satisfied. I still have all my female parts, the girl says. The Red Queen yanks the girl's hair sharply, pulling up the scalp and casting it aside. Do you, the Red Queen asks. The girl touches her baldness. I would love an apple, she says. She eats the apple in three bites, not even stopping to spit out the core. There were no seeds, the girl says. Of course not, the Red Queen hisses. It is a hysterectomy apple. It is the last of a generation. It does not regenerate in another body. The Snow White girl feels her insides twisting. Her abdomen behaves cannibalistically. The fallopian tubes strangle the ovaries. The womb eats itself. The cervix slides inside the hollow and devours the uterine tissue. Redness seeps from the girl's face and wets the floor. The caterpillar looks down. Who is this new queen, the worm asks. She looks quite red and lovely. Do you have some competition we have not heard of? The Red Queen crushes the puddle. The girl sits at the tea table. She uses the hollow uterus as a teacup. Would you care for one, the girl asks, gesturing to the queen. No, my girl. I am above such steaming beverages, the queen says and punctures a hole in the back of the caterpillar's head. She sucks up the icy liquid. Mirrors grow in triads on her tongue.
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